One Year Plan

There's only a year left until the Olympics, and there's a lot we still have to do. It's time to shape up or be executed by the Standing Committee. Here's list of things we have to get sorted before next year.

The problem: Freedom of the press
The solution: Press freedom is a major problem over here and we HAVE to sort it out. Some real stories are still getting through! Let's try throwing the foreign press off the scent with more bogus stories about cardboard cha siu bao.

The problem: DVD piracy
The solution: Recruit crack squad of Shaolin monks to combat pirate threat.

The problem: Public hygiene
The solution: A public education jingle. I'm just working off the top of my head here, but how about "When you poo make sure you crap / in a bucket, not a foreigner's lap"? Let's see if we can get Lang Lang in on this one.

The problem: Drinking water
The solution: It's still causing extra limb growth in southern provinces. I've said this before, but if we want to be contenders on the global stage we've got to hide our mutants better than that.

The problem: China's "square" image
The solution: We all know that we're "hip" and "with it": let's show the world that we're down with them. Let's get premier Hu to duet at the national anthem with an up-and-coming popular music star. Like "the Wu Tang Clan" or "Wang Chung" - they're obviously Chinese nationals so it's even better.

The problem: Beijing pollution
The solution: This is a major problem and we have to act now. We should put in place measures to reduce carbon emissions, clean up the city and adopt a viable recycling campaign. Or we could just invade Switzerland and hold the games there instead.

The problem: Our appalling human rights record
The solution: Frankly, we're screwed on this one.

Director of the mainland Olympic Committee